On recovering from leadership mistakes

Spines and new growth on a prickly pear cactus.

I’ve been haunted by some leadership mistakes I made as a new manager. It’s been holding me back from sharing my experience, knowledge and ideas. I have an intense bodily reaction whenever I want to share something. There’s a voice in my head warning me of dire consequences.

The voice: “It’s not safe”.

Me: “What is the worst that can happen?”

The voice: “Let me tell you….”

The image above is the complete list of my mind’s fear purge.

My absolute worst fear and shame are about a few situations from years ago where I didn’t show up as the leader I knew I could be. I was out of integrity because my values and behaviours were misaligned.

The “it’s not safe” scenario in my head plays out somewhat like this:

I post a reflection on leadership where I share a process or a tool on LinkedIn. Someone from the past calls me out publicly: “You shouldn’t be talking; what the hell do you know about leadership?! You fucked up!” Due to confidentiality as a manager, I can’t engage. I acknowledge the whole thing, but it pours more fire onto the pile. The entire community then turns on me, and I get cancelled. I die alone, or worse, they burn me at a stake - the end.

I know this is just a story that the critical voice in my head is spinning to protect me, so the moment I recognise it as that, I am at choice. I choose to call it out. The most potent remedy to shame is to shine a light on it because shame dissipates when it has nowhere to hide.

So here is a process for how to recover from leadership mistakes. It is hard-earned.

1. Stand in honesty and vulnerability
   If you realise you’ve made a mistake, be honest, no matter how much your ego struggles against it. Acknowledge it to the people involved. Apologise and ask how you can repair any damage your mistake might have caused.
   

2. Make space to listen
   Make time to hear the other person out. In the conversation, be fully present and listen to understand. Ask curious questions and make sure the person feels heard. Don’t deny, defend or explain. Really. Just acknowledge what you are hearing. This will give you space for reflection so that you can respond consciously rather than react from a triggered state.
   

3. Everybody is right, only partially
   No one person can see the complete picture, so be open to other interpretations and experiences. Even if you think you are “right”, - if you want to stay in the relationship, you will have to give up the need to be right. Because you can either be right or be in connection, but not both. Consider what is most important to you.
   

4. Own your feelings only
   Your feelings are your responsibility, and other people’s feelings are theirs. Regardless of your mistake, don’t adopt other people’s feelings or try to fix them. If you’re trying to “fix” them, you (inadvertently) invalidate their experience. “Fixing” others can also lead to others relying on you to come and rescue them - and breeds an unhealthy dependency. And don’t try to get them to “get over it” and “move on”. They will if and when they’re ready.
   

5. Look back to learn
   Once the heat has passed a bit, and you’re not in the worst emotional state, the best thing to do is map the situation's timeline with all parties present. Map the steps everyone took and other factors that might have played into the case. Reflect on the experience and derive learnings. Decide how you will handle it next time.
   

6. Create closure
   Occasionally, the relationship cannot be saved, and there is a break. There are likely strong emotions, heartbreak, grief, anger and possibly toxic behaviours like resentment, contempt or gossip. If you’ve offered reconciliation and the other party didn’t take your offer, respect that. Ensure the break is clean and protects other people who might have been impacted. Your alliance is with the broader team or organisation. Ensure you’ve given the process enough time and attention to the people affected because it will come back to haunt everyone if you don’t. Some things need to be grieved before we can move on.
   

7. Change!
   This is the most powerful step. It’s where you own up to it all. It’s where you create a possibility of rebuilding trust. To ensure your leadership competence grows, you must act upon the learnings and change your behaviour. It would be best if you chose to change.
   

They are right here, the disempowering stories. Running on repeat, like a background soundtrack of a broken record. Running our lives. Ruining our lives. We may have failed, but it’s not who we are.

So, how about we tell the empowering stories, stories of things that shaped us? Isn’t that what embracing failure is all about, after all?